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Buying Lingerie - A Guide For Men
Stop! You are about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life! You were about to buy her a sexy red number to wear to bed without any regards to the consequences of your actions. You almost dived into the most pivotal moments in your relationship without any thought. You were going to experience one of the most embarrassing moments of your life.
Before you do anything else, read the following, and you will turn a tragedy into a triumph.
Part 1: Turn on or Turn off?
First, ask yourself, "why am I doing this?". The answer to this question is the best indicator that you're about to make a terrible mistake. If your
answer is "because I want to see her naked" or "because I've always had this fantasy", put your wallet away and smack yourself repeatedly upside the
head.
You can't be doing this for you.
If all you want is to see a woman in sexy lingerie, save yourself a bundle and go to the nearest strip club. At a club you can see women in various states of undress AND drink yourself under the table. If you give your partner a g-string and bra-cum-shoelace, your going to be disappointed when (a) she doesn't wear them immediately and (b) she asks why you expect her to dress like a prostitute.
If your answer is "because I want to spice up our sex-life" and "because I want her to feel sexy", you're on a better track. The first answer is a good reason; but only if you're sure that your partner will go for it. Otherwise you'll be stuck wearing them yourself just to get your money back. Trust me, a thong is far more uncomfortable than it looks. If you answered the latter, then you're better off, but still treading on dangerous ground. Chances are that buying a woman lingerie who doesn't think she's very attractive in an attempt to change her mind is only going to make her feel worse.
The same goes for your partner. If she's feeling down in the dumps about how she looks, giving her the clothes you'd expect to see on a supermodel is only going to make her feel more self-conscious. She may not say anything at the time, but it's highly unlikely she'll try on what you've bought her. Ever.
If your answer to the original question is "because I saw her looking through them at the store" or "because she leaves Victoria's Secret catalogues lying around the house in conspicuous places" then you're onto a winner. The best reason to buy your partner lingerie is because she wants you to, not because you want her to wear it. If you wait until this occasion then whatever you purchase is bound to make her happy. And if you're lucky, she might spread some of that around.
Part 2: It's all about the Moment
Once you've decided that you have a reason (excuse) to buy your partner lingerie, it's important that you get the timing right. There is nothing worse than a mistimed teddy. A friend of mine has a good example of this.
She was having Christmas with her family at her parents place. She took her boyfriend along so that they could open their presents in each other's company. Everything was going well until she opened her present from him. At first there seemed little wrong; she pulled out a rather elegant silk night-gown. Then after that she opened a smaller package with a bit of embroidery inside. It took her a couple of minutes to realise that it was actually an entire lingerie set. Her onlooking parents were mortified, her grand parents exceedingly embarrassed, and she was humiliated. Funnily enough her (now ex) boyfriend didn't seem to think anything was wrong.
That brings us to the first rule of timing; traditional holidays are out. Christmas is out. So is Thanksgiving. And forget about Easter. The religious significance alone rules it out, let along the events. And you really, really don't want to get into an argument about crucifixion and impaling with spears when giving your partner lingerie.
The next obvious occasions are anniversaries and birthdays. I do not recommend birthdays. Birthdays are meant to be occasions where the special person can act selfishly. Giving a woman lingerie says to them "I expect some attention". A birthday is the day that you're supposed to be exempt from having to do so, so steer clear. Anniversaries, are the only legitimate special occasion where the purchase of lingerie won't cause offence, because anniversaries involve both partners. Bear in mind, the inverse law of anniversary importance, which states that the less important an anniversary is, the more likely you can get away with purchasing lingerie. A wedding anniversary is less likely to be successful as a engagement anniversary, which is less likely to be successful as a first-kiss anniversary, and so on.
The perfect time to buy lingerie is anytime that it's unimportant. Spontaneity is the key. There's no sense in locking the thought away for a couple of months waiting for an occasion while she turns off the idea. Just do it. It might just work.
Part 3: What to buy?
The most important rule of buying lingerie is to make sure that whatever you buy fits. You can do no greater damage to your relationship than to buy ill-fitting underwear. If you give her underwear that's too big you think she's fat. If you give her underwear that's too small she'll think she's fat. You have to get it right first go; and bra size is far more important than underwear size, although both are essential to get right.
The easiest, and usually accurate way of making sure you get the bra size right is to check what she already wears. This should be done with extreme stealth. More than a couple of marriages have turned sour when the woman found her man rifling through her underwear. Especially when that man doesn't have keys to her house. The best way to check the sizes marked on her lingerie is during or after sex. This way you can be assured that your getting the size that she wears, rather than the size of the pair she pushed to the back of her draw two years ago before she lost all that weight.
The most accurate way of getting her bra size correct is to actually measure her, but unless you're into bondage that includes tape-measures, there is no subtle way of doing so. If you do manage to get her measurements then the best guide to what they actually mean is the Victoria's Secret Measurement Guide. I have been assured by a number of women that there is nothing on earth like a well fitting bra; no matter how you achieve getting it right, you'll score extra brownie points for doing so.
Now you've got the measurement right it's only a matter of choosing the style. The range you have to choose from will depend upon the size of bra you require. Below an 8 and above a 14 the range is greatly diminished so you may have look to far and wide to find something she'd like.
As for what she'd like. that's really up to her. A good guideline to follow is nothing with gratuitous holes in it, unless you know that's really what she wants. That means you need a signed expression of interests in such a garment from her.
Other things to bear in mind is such rule as "the bigger the breast, the more support it needs". This does not mean a push-up bra. A large pair of breast in a push-up bra may well see your partner so unbalanced as to do serious damage when she inevitably falls over. Support comes in the form of underwire and shoulder straps. But for God's sake, don't make the mistake of buying a maternity bra or you may find your crotch on fire for all the wrong reasons.
Hopefully you've absorbed enough of this article to put down the red, 6DD soft cup leather nippleless bra you planned on buying for your partner's birthday to make her feel good about herself, and instead will buy the right bra for the right reasons and the right time. If you can get it right you may well get the right reaction; if you get it wrong, I'll be writing an article on what to do when you're relationship goes sour, so there's hope for you yet.
By Neale Talbot